Episode 24: Mr. Right

Narrator: Welcome to Ghost Wax, a Far and Tall Tales Production. The following story may contain graphic content. Listener discretion is advised. 

[Intro Music]

Episode 24: Mr. Right

[Recorder clicks on]

Pip: Jeez this thing is difficult to-, Oh! There it goes! Greetings, Order listeners! We’re coming at you tonight from my shop, “The Fool’s Errand”! OK, I can’t see my own future, just everyone else’s, and that ended really poorly for me. Well, a few weeks ago Owen did something to my shop that made it, well, I don’t entirely know what he did, but my shop is now basically a living organism, and that means I can read the cards for it! Kinda. It’snot perfect, but it’s something! This evening, the cards say company is coming. Company and danger, which is just what we love to hear this time of night. So, I borrowed this recorder to document whatever it is. Uh, I think Owen and Luca are on their way, but-

*We hear Pip’s apartment door buzz frantically.*

Pip: Oh, right on time. Hello?

Charli:  (Through the intercom) Oh my god, you’re actually here! Ah thank you! Thank you! Umm, this is crazy right? I know it’s crazy coming here like this but uh… shit, I mean I don’t know what to do! There’s nowhere to go for this, um, can I come in? I might be having a total mental breakdown but I promise I’m not dangerous.

Pip: You can come in, I’ve been expecting you.

Charli: What? Ok, great thank you thank you. This is so fucked.

Pip: Here, have a seat. I’m already making some tea, it should be ready soon. And, by the way, “I’m not dangerous” is totally something a dangerous person would say. Just, you know, for the record.

Charli: Right, right, ok, yeah, no no that’s super fair… Um but you said you were expecting me?

Pip: The sign on the door says “Psychic” for a reason. Though, honestly, I’d have said it even if it wasn’t true. Part of the show, you know? But this time it is true, again, for the record. 

Charli: You’re recording this?

Pip: Yeah. Normally I don’t, but this isn’t a normal session. You didn’t bang on my door at 11:45pm for me to help you pick a job or a boyfriend or lottery numbers or some shit. You’re here because you’re in trouble. I can see that something’s clinging to you, I don’t know what it is yet, but we’ll find out, OK? I can assure you, you aren’t crazy, or you aren’t just crazy, there is something happening to you, and you have every right to feel afraid. 

Charli: *Almost in tears from relief*  Holy shit you have no idea…I thought for sure you would never believe me! Nobody else does!

Pip: I work with people who handle this kind of thing, and well, I don’t totally know what their deal is… what they’re up to exactly, I do know that you can trust them to help you. That’s what I’m recording is for, them.  You came to the right shop.

Charli: I actually just came from a mental health facility, like, to check myself in… but, uh, he was there too, at the front desk, he was there. He’s always there.

Pip: I can promise, you are safe here. This place was warded recently by some very spooky weirdos who really know their shit. Now, I’m gonna grab some tea and cookies, because everything is better with cookies, so you just sit tight for a second and then we’ll figure out what’s going on.

[Footsteps]

[Hot water pours into a mug]

[Phone buzzes]

Charli: *Startled* Oh, fuck, fuuck… shiit, (to herself) turn off your ringer, god dammit… Oh fuck god fuck… Noo.

Pip: What was that?

Charli: The Albany Police are calling me.

Pip: Any idea why?

Charli: Yeah, I just might.

Pip: OK I’m psychic, but I can only do so much. Care to share? 

Charli: I mean, no, but that’s not going to be very productive right?

Pip: Kinda defeats the whole “I’m going to help you” angle of our relationship.

Charli: They are definitely calling because of the hit and run. Someone saw my plates, or they picked it up on some camera there’s goddamn cameras everywhere now.

Pip: Does this hit and run have anything to do with the “he” you mentioned?

Charli: Yeah I…I can’t… Oh my god, I’m so fucked I’m so fucked… *hyperventilating* Fuck.

Pip: OK, OK, breathe deep. Again, slow. Try to keep it together. [Deep breath] Let's go back, we always start these things at the beginning. Don’t tell me what you think is going on, it’s usually too weird and horrible to tackle all at once. Just go back and tell me from the beginning, one step at a time.

Charli: [Catching her breath] OK yeah, ok, ok ok… [Clears throat] I think um, I think the first time… No wait, the first weird thing was the app.

Pip: An app?

Charli: Yeah a fucking dating app.

Pip: Shit, another one.

Charli: Another?!

Pip: There was a food delivery one that popped up a few times, sorry, go ahead.

Charli: Well, I don’t have to tell you I’m sure, but dating sucks, OK? It’s a Hellscape out there. I got massively blindsided by this guy that I thought was… well let’s just say he had SPECTACULAR timing for revealing what a piece of total dogshit he actualy was and I was incredibly low and unwell personally and also professionally, and also romantically like everything was going wrong, and I just felt like I-I-I dunno, been kickboxing out of my weight class or something like I just couldn’t keep up at my stupid job, and all my friends are finding great people, and falling in love and having children and buying houses and I just felt really really shitty. Like, I know that’s not the thing that makes up all of my value but this-this-this whole world really makes you feel like it is and I couldn’t make anything work, OK?  I couldn’t make anything stick. The common denominator was always me! And I was feeling super, I mean I hate this word but, desperate, OK? But that might not be like the right word because I feel like desperate implies you might do something, and I had no idea what I could do to fix it, or even like what it fucking was.

Pip: That's when they find you.

Charli:  Huh?!

Pip: Sorry, I’ll shut up.

Charli: It-It’s fine, you’re good. This tea is also really good this is, this is helpful.

Pip: Great Grandma’s blend. She’ll be glad to hear you liked it. I made her wait upstairs so the recorder wouldn't pick her up. Please, go on.

Charli: *Sighs* OK, so, I tried looking for a rebound guy. Someone nice, someone boring, someone safe, someone easy, or like, just a hot fuckboy with good hair, you know sometime’s you just wanna get railed by a dumbass when like everything is going wrong, OK? So any combination of two positive traits and like, a pulse, would have been fine frankly… I’m not proud of trying to fill the void with someone else, but it’s just it’s what happened, OK? And I’m originally from Duluth, which is a super small town and it feels like you’ve dated every man in your age range, because you probably have, at least every man who isn’t, you know, married to one of your friends, or like, you know, you haven’t like broken their heart already or like broken the heart of their best friend or whatever like ten minutes after you’ve started, I-I don’t know it’s just it’s impossible, OK?  So, you know, Minneapolis when I moved here like, it it’s been better? But I was dreading “putting myself back out there” like I was kind of used to being on top in the small dating pool of Duluth, even though it left me with basically no options, but I thought “you know? Minneapolis has, has potential.” And I had deleted all of the apps in one of my cyclical purges OK? I was like “fuck this, I’m never going back on these things again, this is trash! Everyone on here is trash, including you for going on these apps and being trash” And I would say this, and I would be so confident, but then here I came crawling back. And maybe that’s why the new one caught my eye, you know?  It was like easier to click the shiny new app even with its painful smiling icon man with the bouquet of flowers rather than one of the other apps that had failed me so many times, you know?  Like I was trying something new like I was going a different direction. And it felt good to say that to someone instead of smiling through it for once you know? I’m going in a different direction. I'm doing something different this time. 

Mr. Right, OK? The the the app was called Mr. Right and while I looked at the app description, for a second, you know I got ADHD I’m not gonna read all of the fine print but I looked at it and was like oh shit is this going to be a “conservatives only” app? Cause you know, ew. But like, I don’t know if you’ve ya know picked up on the everything about me, but that shit definitely would not fly and that would not have been the right place for me. But as I looked it over, it really didn’t seem like it was one of those creepy apps, you know? It says “For women tired of the endless search.” Like check tell me more. 

“Tell us who you are, and we will find Mr. Right” So like, this is what theyre saying? They they they bring the men to you? I can just do the bare minimum?  Like, sign me up this is exactly what I wanted, OK? [Inhale] So you just answer a few questions and then the app sends you a guy's profile. Which like, fine, this is not groundbreaking app development you know? We’ve we’ve we’ve seen this before. But the design was really slick, the developer or the company I guess whatever, I’d-I’d never heard of it, but they definitely nailed it. Uh, Mr. Media, I’m pretty sure they’re part of it.

Pip: Yeah, safe assumption.

Charli: I’d show you, but I deleted the app when this shit started to get really fucking weird like, I-I-I-I-I don’t know I looked for it later, like I was looking for something to be able to tell the police, to see if this company was some kind of prank or, or sick joke I don’t know or what, but I can’t find anything about them and I can’t find the app now and and fucking shit god. 

Pip: (giving her tissues) Here, don’t get worked up, you’re doing great.

[Charli blows her nose]

Charli: Uugh OK, I’m sorry. I-I get really *sniff* stuffed up when I’m crying so thank you so much for the Kleenex I’m sorry I’m so disgusting. Oh my god OK OK, so fuck OK so I log on, and I make a profile, I-I didn’t have to pay anything, it like didn’t even ask me for an email.  I just electronically signed my name, and then this form popped up with a bunch of questions. And I don’t remember all of it, I-I should have screenshotted it or something, but I guess I didn’t imagine it would just fucking vanish, like, everything is supposed to leave a digital footprint now so I thought it was fine. So, it started off simple. It just wants my name, my-my-my favorite three movies, my least favorite food, but there was some stuff on there that was just like, off, right? Like it-it was weird it asked me “What’s your second favorite season?” or “What’s an animal you like to look at but not touch?” And like, I said poodle I don’t know their fur always kind of like seemed weird to me. Like it you know its like its hair? Like it’s not quite dog fur? Like I don’t know it felt too human I-I can’t. 

Anyway, it had even weirder stuff like *thinking* Oh, OH yeah, right! Like “if you had to submerge your arm up to the elbow in something soft, what would you choose?” And and it was super weird and that like made me laugh cause I don’t know I’m thinking like those cow insemination videos? And then I’m like this is the weirdest thing ever? And I think OK maybe they’re trying to, lead with comedy? Or like be you know, find your silly side to match you with the silly man of your dreams I don’t know! I love to laugh. I love making people laugh, it’s like my favorite thing. So, maybe this approach would work. I thought it’s worth a try it’s not a super long quiz, and like who doesn’t love a good quiz? I love a quiz. Plus they weren’t asking for money or anything, so I assumed they were getting the money from the guys. Like the-the dudes on the app that were paying to be matched up with beautiful, amazing women like me do you sense the sarcasm?

So, I don’t remember all the questions, but a couple really stuck out like, “Why are you so tired?” That question kinda surprised me because it was true. Like, it’s deeply deeply true, but I couldn’t remember saying that in any of the previous answers. And then I’m thinking OK you know, I'm in my 30s maybe it’s just always true for everyone who would click on this totally unknown app. Like maybe everyone who ends up here is fundamentally exhausted. And I talked about how I was sick of the cycle of meeting and opening up and getting optimistic and then getting disa-fucking-pointed, OK? So like, I guess ask a dumb question, get a dumb answer, I don’t know. So the other question that stuck out as really, really weird was “Are you ready to let Mr. Right inside?” Sssso yeah, that one felt really culty and like, raised the hairs on the back of my neck but it was also a lot of like the branding bullshit you see out there nowadays is like that you know? It felt off but maybe this was just a different, approach to consent? I don’t know. Before I really knew what I was doing I just said sure, and then the app dinged happily and a little message said “He’s looking for you”. Which like OK, I guess meant the quiz was over so I made snacks, I immediately took a gummy to try to calm myself down and I sat down to watch the Last Drive In and it was just after midnight when my phone dinged with a sound I had never heard it make before.

[Ding]

I picked up the phone, and the message said “He’s found you.” Which, Jesus Christ, that is the creepiest way possible to say that you’ve got a match. But I clicked it and a profile popped up. I-I really don’t know how to describe this to you any other way than to say this: Imagine the picture that might be underneath the entry “Some Guy”, OK? That's what he looked like I mean iif, you couldn’t have created a more generic, impossible to pick out of a lineup, person, OK? He was definitely handsome or like, he could have been, he was just too basic. They say symmetry makes someone attractive, but I guess there is a limit because he was like a mirrored image and it was off putting. Until you see someone without any of the little flaws and details that you love, you don’t realize that you’ll really miss them, you know?  He just kinda looked plastic like he looked, almost fake? His eyes were gorgeous, they were a beautiful blue, but his gaze was blank.

I glanced over his profile just long enough to realize it was similarly generic, OK?  I clicked the “sad face” icon and a notification that said “he’s still looking for yoou!” popped up which again, super off putting, but I went back to my show, and was maybe like, twenty minutes or so into the after movie when I fell asleep, OK? I-I am exhausted, the app called it. 

And I [Ding] woke up to a ding from my phone. Again, it wasn’t that loud but for some reason it just made me jump out of my skin like it-it was, terrifying.

My whole apartment was dark except for the T.V and I didn’t remember turning my lights off, but you know I was, I was pretty high. I could have gotten up and turned them off, I don’t know. My phone was faceup on the coffee table and the glowing, bright rectangle looked like a door to somewhere else and, the T.V was a test pattern, like those, those color blocks and then like a sideways head with markings on it like, what were those old like racist head doctor people from like the turn of the century?  Like the Phrenology people? Yeah it was like a phrenology map had just like appeared and I just started to realize that it didn’t make any sense that my T.V. was a test pattern, because I was watching a show on a streaming service? And they don’t do test patterns anymore? But I wasn't really processing that I guess. And then I picked up my phone and I see another notification from Mr. Right.

“He’s found you.”

I opened the message, and I find another picture of another average basic-ass looking guy and this one was doing you know, sporting things. He’s standing in a boat holding a dead fish that just looked like it died, very unpleasently and I clicked through to another photograph and found him holding up the head of a deer, so it was looking into the camera it was really gross and he was covered in camo and there was a rifle visible in the photograph so I just clicked Sad Face like, absolutely fucking not, spooky app, he is not for me, I-I’m not a whole, I’m not a big like, death for entertaiment kinda gal, OK? And I hadn’t even put the phone down when it dings [Ding] again.

“He’s found you,” it said. And this guy was leaning against a really nice sports car. It was shiny, it was expensive. It had those hard angles, y’know?  He was wearing gold chains and some ritzy looking watch and again, I didn’t need to see the profile, this sort of peacocking thing wasn’t for me, OK? But *deep breath* I remember I was going to click him away with the sad face symbol when I noticed his eyes. This bright, bright blue. A familiar blue. And I clicked on my “recent Mr.’s” tab and I compared. Not just sports car and Mr. Generic. They all had the same eyes, and if you looked closer you could see that under the different beard lengths and styles and hats it was the same guy.  Not like brothers, like I guess identical triplets if that’s possible? They had completely different names, but as I looked through their “About Me” section I started noticing repeating phrases.

“I am tired of the cycle. Meeting, opening up, getting optimistic, then getting disappointed.”

“Poodles”

Pip: Oh yikes.

Charli: Yeah. So I clicked sadface, and I had to see if you know, anything more happened, and sure enough another one popped up right away and sure enough it’s the same guy in like another costume.

Pip: Fuck.

Charli: Yeah! I did it a few more times and it was fucking insane! It’s the same guy, sixteen different profiles. SIXTEEN. Different looks, almost like he was trying like, themes, like if you don’t like generic creepy man in scuba outfit no problem, we have him in cowboy outfit. It was absolutely absurd.  

Aaand then I started kind of spiraling. Like I imagined a few different scenarios. One maybe it’s just a singular desperate guy trying to like do this shotgun tactic, right? but just didn’t change his answers enough from profile to profile, so we just kept matching over and over I mean, that would be crazy, but thats not like,  sinister… but then I thought about how i’ve never heard of this app, or the company that made it like what if, what if this is a guy who made himself an app. And it’s just this one guy, over and over again. And he’s like doing this with a bunch of women. 

And something about that actually like, cracked me up. Maybe it’s just like, the-the-the millennial ingenuity of that I guess. Like It was deranged, but it’s also pretty hilarious talk about casting a wide net. I wanted to know where the rabbit hole went OK? I got curious. I seriously considered clicking the smiley face, just to see what would happen. Right? It would make a hell of a story, but when I noticed that the smiley face icon had that same shade of baby blue eyes I, I don’t know, there was something I couldn’t shake, it didn’t feel right something off enough that how funny it was, was not worth it. So, I deleted the app. I remember going to my TV to see what was wrong with it, but the weird, the weird picture that was up there, I-I-I dont know, but like the test pattern was now gone and it was just a late night horror movie now, which is what it should have been all along cause that is what I put on my streaming service. I-I thought maybe the test pattern was a weird part of the movie maybe? But I really didn't have long enough to think about it [Ding] because the app ding’d again. And I had just deleted it. So now I’m pissed like is this fucking malware? Do I need to get a new phone now? I was going to try to open the phone without clicking on the notification but it just clicked itself and popped open. So I’m thinking I have a virus. I have a virus on my phone, this is just another fucking thing I’m gonna have to deal with and there he is again, blue eyes, but all different outfit, OK? This time he’s in all black. He’s got black hair, he’s sporting the guy liner, I start kind of giggling again cause I’m like “Oh he’s in his emo era, wow this is so weird”, but I stop short. I’d-I’d never heard or felt a laugh die in my own throat like that. And, something jarred me about the image, OK? Something sent my mind reeling and I couldn’t place it, but all the hair on the back of my neck was standing straight up and my heart was pounding. My body had gone completely into survival mode like, she knew something I didn’t. My adrenaline was pumping. I didn’t know why, I couldn’t figure out what my subconscious had seen in that photo but I trusted it, OK?

I panicked for what, ten, ten seconds before it like, processed what I saw. Then I realized, the picture was taken outside of my building. My apartment building, where I live. It was on the west side of the building on the street you could see my apartment windows in the upper left corner of the picture.

I-I-I was completely shaken. I mean I don’t know, I deleted the app again as fast as I could. I- I peeked out my blinds half expecting him to be down there waving with that flat smile on his face, but the street was dark and it was quiet. There was no one there. So I checked my locks, I closed all my blinds, I hunkered down until morning. I just googled like mad, trying to find any information on this app but I came up totally blank. I decided to take the phone into the store I bought it from, get them to reset it, get rid of the program forever like I can’t afford a brand new phone so I thought maybe this would work. So, I didn’t get more notifications, I-I muscled down some coffee and drove into the store first thing in the morning. The parking lot was completely abandoned I was sitting in my car literally waiting for the phone store in the minmall to open when another car drove up and parked near the door. And a guy got out in the like, you know, Verizon uniform shirt, he’s looking all groggy, and there he is to open for the day.  I started to get out to follow him when I got a better look at him.

At HIM.

It was fucking him. It was the guy. It was the guy from the app, right there fumbling with the keys to the door… the guy looking at me like I was crazy as my tires squealed out of the parking lot. I was in a full fucking panic. I drove over a curb, I ran a red light. And then I hear, you know, the woop-woop of a police siren, because of fucking course a cop saw me…And I pull over, and my knuckles are white gripping the steering wheel and as the cop gets out and heads to the car, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say, OK? Not like to necessarily to get out of a ticket, that-that’s that’s long gone, I ran a red light, but to explain what is happening to me, like, can you help me cause now I just I’m scared I just need help.

“I bet you know why I pulled you over,” he says while I'm still looking at the chest of his uniform out my window.

“I-I do, I totally accept responsibility for that reckless driving, but I think I’m being stalked, or something,” I say.

The cop leaned down to the window, and took off his shades and showed those bright blue eyes and that plastic symmetrical face.

He said to me, I remember every word:  “I’m not surprised someone would want to follow you around. You look like someone’s Mrs. Right to me.” It-it took everything not to just hit the gas, and speed away. And he winked at me and handed me a ticket. It didn’t have anything on it but a phone number in a heart.

He patted my driver's side door and told me to drive safe. Called me precious cargo. And then he got back in his car and drove away. As he passed me he looked across through the window and made the “call me” sign with his hand.

I-I-I sat there stunned near an intersection and watched as this guy set up on the corner with a cardboard sign that said “Charli, we are meant to be.” And a few more of him were walking across the street, going to a diner, talking on a cell phone. One of them stared down at me from a billboard advertisement for a bank.

I saw a few women, and and and they looked different from each other, but every man, every single one, was Mr. Fucking Right.

I didn’t know what to do. I-I drove to my brother's house. Mr. Right was out front on my brother's lawn with his arm around my sister in law, watching my nephew play and I-I-I just kept driving and I was screaming, and screaming and driving and crying. And I was on my way to a psychiatric ward to check myself in because I have to be going crazy, when a Mr. Right jumps out in front of my car.

“Give us a chance!” I think he said. I mean it was hard to tell because I didn’t slow down at all and he got just demolished like, pancaked under my car and my car bucked as he went under the wheels and I just kept, I just kept going. I just kept going. And Mr. Right was security and behind the front desk at the mental health hospital so I just I just got back in my car and I just kept driving, I filled up at the pump, and I kept driving and I saw your sign in the window and by then I figured this was either total madness, or something unnatural. I-I don’t know what I did…I…

*We hear music start to play out of Pip’s radio.  Slow, repeating, dark, mechanical.*

I’m, I’m sorry can you, can you turn that off? That music is really bothering me.

Pip: I… I don’t hear any, I have a neighbor who can be a pain if that’s what you’re…

Charli: No it’s, it’s your radio… your radio is on, it’s on the radio.

Pip:  I… I don’t, my radio isn’t on.

*we hear the tv turn on, the heavy sound of a tube tv with loud static adding to the music.*

Charli: What the fuck?

Pip: What the hell is happening?

Charli: You said I was safe here!

Pip: You are you are, just stay calm.

Charli: what the fuck is that?! What the fuck IS that?!

Pip: Nono nono nono.

Charli: fucking shit

Pip: Get back, get out. Run! Run! run!

Charli: No no 

*We hear Charli trying to get the door open but the deadbolt catches*

Pip: OH my GOD

*Over the course of this line Charli’s voice changes as she is consumed by Mr. Media’s hungry static.  Her voice becomes electronic, becoming less and less resolved until she breaks up.*  

Charli: NO NO, OW fuck, no no, owwww fucking wait wait, no no, please wait wait, you said you’d help me, you said it was safe, you promised… you promised.

Pip: No…

Mr. Media: That contract came with a Non Disclosure Agreement.  We take our NDA’s very seriously.

Pip: Stay back.

Mr. Media: Don’t worry, the wards are working fine. I just had special, contractual access to Miss.Charli.  You’re safe,  well, not really, but I’m not going to kill you is what I mean.  

Pip: I said STAY. THE FUCK. BACK!

Mr. Media:  But, Ms. La Fey, I have to point out, you do seem to have things a bit… switched around? I don’t think you’re making decisions with your best interests at heart. I could make you a sensation. You’ve got something special. You’ve got star quality, and you’re a selfish liar to boot. That’s a very successful, time tested mix. Give me a call when you’re tired of working for a bunch of weak losers and olds. Here, you like cards right? Take mine.

Pip: Mr. Media?

Mr. Media: Let’s do lunch.

*static ends*

*Pip, breathing heavy*

Pip: Owen? I don’t know if I can do this anymore…

[Recorder clicks off]

Narrator: Thank you for listening to Ghost Wax, a production of Far and Tall Tales. Find us at farandtalltales.squarespace.com. Ghost Wax is an independent podcast so if you liked this show, please rate and review, and consider joining us on Patreon at Patreon.com/farandtalltales

Also give a listen to our fantasy role play show Could've Been Heroes for something completely different. 

Ghost Wax is written and directed by Robert Knutson 

Production and editing by Aaron Schoenrock

Our theme song is by Beau Hoover.

This episode features 

Stephanie Olsen as Pip

Amanda Jacobson as Charli

And Aaron Schoenrock as Mr. Media